I did want to die that day. I wanted the pain to end. Not just the pain from the beatings, but from the guilt. I blamed myself. Not for causing him to beat me. That is never anyone’s fault. I blamed myself for trying to give our marriage one last chance.
Rewinding a little bit back in time …
We moved into a beautiful new home. I remember talking with him and asking him if this is what we both wanted and if we could afford it. He said we deserved it and could afford it. He said I deserved it because I had worked so hard. I just didn’t realize at the time, that he had this jealousy towards me that he never had the courage to say to my face.
Prior to that, I had just had my first fictional novel published and was so ecstatic about it. Something … I’m not sure what, got me back in the mood to do something that I loved to do. Writing. I loved it. I loved it for years but had put it on the back burner in my life, because the regular life needed to be lived. The loss of my mother-in-law, to whom I was so close with, reminded me that I needed to do something for myself. Just myself. So, I started writing … usually when everyone was asleep. It was my time.
So, after finishing a novel in four short weeks, I submitted it to a few publishers, and it was eventually published. I had never dreamed that it was possible. I knew I’d never make a million dollars over it, but to me, it wasn’t the money. It was having the enjoyment of sharing my writing with others. I guess he didn’t see it that way. It was only worth something if I made money off it. I guess that also lead to his jealousy. I just never saw it until it was too late.
Something was changing in him. Maybe I was blind, or I didn’t want to see it. I’m not sure. Our relationship was never perfect. There were times when I wanted to walk out the door and never come back. We had a lot of ups and downs and sometimes, I think there were more downs.
After we moved into our new home, he seemed focused on making the house our own. I worked a full-time job and he stayed at home. I had pushed him to get out and look for even a part time job, just to do something with his time. Our three boys were now in school full time, and he didn’t need to be there. I thought he was just getting cabin fever. He didn’t want to do things anymore. I know his laziness started about two years prior to that. I saw a major change in him. I wasn’t even sure what it was. I worked all day and then came home. When I came home, I had to clean the house and take care of the children. Things that he used to do when I was at work. Now, I was lucky if dinner was finished when I came home. When I saw this spiral, I thought it was depression. I officially got permission to work at home full time so that I could take care of the house and the kids while I was also working.
I knew he used to have a drug problem and there were times when I worked with him on fixing this problem. I always had hope. I thought that he figured out why he turned to drugs and why it wasn’t the right thing to do. We had a life and we had children.
I don’t know what made him turn to the drugs, but he did. It was the hard drugs. I thought it was a deep depression. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
This is what a SURVIVOR looks like! #WeAreResilient with @NCADV
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